I’ve been on a journey of writing a book for almost two years now. It’s a story about my 2nd marriage and our family, before during and after I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I never thought it would be this difficult. Getting the story and all the details I felt were important out of my head and onto paper seemed like quit the task. I started with a timeline of the events I thought were important. Then I began to add in the details. The who, what, when, where, how and why?
After accomplishing that daunting task I knew it needed a lot of clean up. If you’ve ever heard me talk you know I’m a babbler. Well, I babble on paper too. So I found a ghost writer who helped me tie it up in a nice pretty bow.
The only problem is my life wasn’t, isn’t and never will be a nice pretty bow. It needed to be covered with stains, rips and tears before it could maybe partially resemble our marriage. I didn’t try and paint our marriage or family as perfectly good normal people. I walk you through some devastating and difficult times in our marriage that will cause you to dislike us at times. After reading the finished product I knew it lacked something, but thought it was good enough. I wanted people to know how God changed our lives, our marriage and our family. I thought the book did a good enough job doing that so I was ready to for the next step.
Why wasn’t I excited to finally be done? Maybe because I had worked on it so long I was just ready to be done. Maybe I’m scared about putting my life out on display for all to judge me and my family.
The past month or so I’ve continually come across scripture and had discussions with others regarding giving your best to God regardless of what man says. For example:
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. ~ Colossians 3:23-24
Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and will all your soul and with all your mind.” ~ Matthew 22:37
Between God’s Word and a few friends, I’ve realized I wasn’t giving God my best. I don’t just want people to know what I went through, I hope they will feel what I went through.
Why is it so hard to deal with our feelings? Why do they have such control over us? Feelings make me feel so out of control, vulnerable and weak. I can’t think clearly and have a hard time controlling my actions and words when I let my feelings out. It seems easier to keep them tucked away so others won’t see how broken, confused and hurt I feel at times.
I find it easy to express being happy or excited. You smile and walk with confidence and a skip in your step. You want the world to see you when you’re happy or excited. I find it difficult to express feeling sad, angry, disappointed, panic, sorrow, embarrassment or disgust, to name a few. I’m worried my reaction won’t be acceptable to others and this could cause an awkward moment. It might make me look stupid, over emotional, insensitive, dramatic or awful. Who wants that?! I’m often told by others I look calm, content, peaceful or relaxed. To be honest, on the inside I’m running in circles, screaming with my hands flailing about.
I’m now going back through by book one section at a time. Thankfully with the help of a few friends (and maybe a glass of wine or two). I’m going to try and unpack the feelings I stuffed deep inside and allow myself to feel them before capturing it on paper. Feelings are so exhausting and emotionally draining. I would appreciate your prayers. Prayers that I courageously face my true feelings and to persevere through the pain, frustration and exhaustion of facing them.
My prayer for us today ~ Lord, I thank you for the gift of feelings. I pray we each seek You, not ourselves or others when struggling to face our true feelings, Amen