Rebecca Duvall

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As I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago, Communicating = Talking + Listening, Robert and I had problems communicating.  When we first met, we talked all the time about everything. Which I think is normal, since we were getting to know each other.  If you’ve met either of us you know we’re both ‘talkers’.  After time the talking became boring, same old same old, or we just didn’t have time.  We certainly didn’t make the time to talk.  We thought everything was great because we never argued.  How could we, we never talked!  We thought we had a wonderful marriage.

Why didn’t we talk?  Well, I think we just didn’t see the importance of it.  What was so important about listening to Robert talk about his day anyway?  I didn’t have time to find out what it was like to be a police officer. I wasn’t a Police Officer, so I didn’t think I needed to.   I had my own important things to get done.  Like do the laundry, give the kids a bath, clean the kitchen, help with homework and plan for the next school event.   If he wanted to talk, then he needed to follow me around while I did my important chores.  Of course when he did I expected him to help.  Don’t just stand there while I’m working, help!  Robert was exhausted from his work so he didn’t want to come home and work more.  He wanted to talk and relax.

That became another problem.  Robert wanted to talk, not listen.  Why would he want to hear about what I did all day?  I did boring mom stuff all day.  Nothing I did all day compared to the excitement that filled his day.

Over time we grew angry with one another.  I wanted him to stop talking about his work and care about me and my day. He wanted me to listen to him talk about his day because that meant I cared.

Our biggest problem was we both assumed the other could read our mind.  We never told the other what was bothering us.  Well, I shouldn’t say never.  We did, it was usually during a screaming match when we would list off all of the others faults.   We couldn’t hear what the other was saying because we were busy trying to get the other to hear what they were doing wrong.

In my post, A Gift from God, I told you about Martha Smalley, who led a Bible Study I participated in.  She was my counselor and is now a dear friend.  Martha helped me see our destructive path of, incorrect or lack of, communicating.  She helped me realize the importance of communicating and how to communicate with Robert lovingly and respectfully.

I was recently a guest on Martha’s radio show, Plank Eyed Saint.  We discussed how my marriage began to fail, due to a lack of boundaries when communicating.  We also talked about adultery in my marriage and how God restored it, even after I kicked into hyper control mode.  I encourage you to listen.  If you know anyone who has dealt with adultery in their marriage, this would be a great show to forward to them. 

There’s a song, by Chris August, I absolutely love, called Restore.  I think anyone married or soon to be married should listen to this song.  There’s a verse in the song ‘Give it up to the Lord & He will restore’ that is so powerful and filled with truth.  I hope you take a few minutes to listen.

My prayer for us today ~ Lord, I pray we step aside and let you guide us as you restore our marriage and relationships, Amen.

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